Dull thoughts on a shiny, shiny world.
The political commentator (mindus numbingus) is a fairly common animal, and one that can be found throughout the known world. Split largely into two seperate strands (socialus and liberalus) the displays and posturing of these creatures has entertained many throughout known history.

The species can be broken down into a number of sub-species or genus - both strands appear to be found in roughly equal amounts in all genii, and scientists are still working to unlock the hidden secrets of this seemingly miraculous sharing of genetic code.

The most common strand of political commentator goes by the common name of obnoxious moron. Their displays are characterised by an ignorance of world affairs, a tendency to spit when speaking and their rolling bloodshot eyes. They see conspiracies everywhere and in some cases this has been known to limit their chances of finding a mate through their aggressive approach. In general one can find such creatures nigh-on everywhere, from tabloid newspapers to up-market broadsheets. It is in fact highly likely that a member of this genus lives quite near to most human homes. Unless one shares their rabidity, it is best to maintain a distance in order to avoid a damp surprise. Most scientists recommend studying the spoor through reading tabloid letter pages rather than finding them in the wild. You have been warned.

The second most common strand is the rather desultorily titled average man on the street (often shortened to average man). Their displays tend to be characterised by attempts to label themselves common people at every opportunity. They often share traits with obnoxious morons or pretentious twats, however their remarkable ability to speak on behalf of all decent, right-thinking peoples is the clearest sign of an average man infestation. Although mildly less annoying than an obnoxious moron, we recommend avoiding encountering this creature; it's preference for speaking on one's behalf becomes tiresome rather quickly. If one has no choice, tabloid opinion pages often offer an opportunity for study outside of the wild.

The pretentious twat is another fairly common variety. Generally encountered in the wild living in cafes and upper-class cocktail bars, their most distinctive characteristics include an aversion to physical labour, the wearing of stupid hats (berets for socialus, golf caps for liberalus) and a tendency to use every possible vowel sound in every possible word. When encountered in controlled conditions (for example in literary magazines, scholarly journals and broadsheets) they are perhaps the most informative of the species, having a tendency both to use evidence and reasoned argument to attract attention. Their love for condescension and excessively complicated language is, however, their undoing, as the majority of this variety are insufferable bores. Once again a genus to be avoided.

Rational and respectful debater is an extinct variety of the species. It is believed that the last wild member of this genus was lost to television in the 20th century. Attempts to reintroduce laboratory-raised creatures into the wild through school debating classes proved a dismal failure when the creatures failed to mate. Research continues into the restoration effort.

There are many other varieties in the wild, and it is hoped that in time we shall be able to categorise them all. Feel free to add your own descriptions of this most abundant breed. In the words of some god-awful Japanimation, got to catch them all, got to catch them all.

Comments
on Jan 12, 2005
Now this was funny!
on Jan 12, 2005
Thanks doc!
on Jan 12, 2005
I recomend this for the front page.
on Jan 13, 2005
Another genus has been found - the partisan

The partisan is a reasonably common result of somewhat unwise breeding programs involving the pretentious twat and the obnoxious moron. The partisan is an interesting breed. Its displays use logic, reason and occasionally evidence in making its own case, but a tendency towards an irrational and violent reaction makes it a dangerous creature when confronted with opposing viewpoints. Commonly mistaken for obnoxious morons and pretentious twats, a number of observers have also, upon encountering their rational personal arguments, mistaken them for rational and respectful debaters. We recommend testing all promising debaters with the assistance of body armour in order to be sure of this.
on Jan 15, 2005
pretentious twat

Perhaps "pretentious twit" would be more PC.

Cheers,
Daiwa
on Jan 15, 2005
Yeah, probably.
on Jan 15, 2005
Hilarious!! I laughed until I stopped!!! ;~D
on Jan 15, 2005
I laughed until I stopped!!!


That line sounds oddly familiar... where have I heard that one before?

By the way, thanks!