I hate poetry.  I always have.

It is uniformly horrible, like a song without a tune, just words without meaning and emotional fervour without a story to give it purpose.

Poetry is the lowest form of prose. With it, any moron thinks they can pen something truly remarkable. They think that it makes them clever, or witty, or a tragic and sensitive soul who needs a hug, a punch or a lover - all three if you're paying.

 

So tonight I went and saw Lars and the Real Girl, a twee American film set in some desolate snow-covered wasteland.

It's all about this guy Lars who, in response to something, buys an anatomically correct girl doll and treats it like a girlfriend.

Sure, it all sounds a little independent film-angsty, but in actual fact it's a really good movie.

 

Every single person has a mythology that speaks to them. It's a philosophy that appeals to their head and their heart, an amalgamation of everything they believe in, with just the right amount of drama and pragmatism.

For me it's always been Catholicism. Don't get me wrong - I've always had a soft spot for comparative religion, and am as happy reading about Tiki gods and Horus as anyone.

But when it comes to mythologies that make a beeline for my imagination, it's Catholicism hands down. F...

Cactoblasta would make the best president for three reasons. He will get respect from foreign nations, he has all the necessary experience, and he will lead the nation through the turbulent times we face.

We all know the value of a good dictionary. For a child or a young adult making their way in a world of antiquated literature and the diseased mutterings of the overly erudite, a dictionary is a good friend, a fine companion and an essential aide in gaining the vocabulary of adulthood.

Where it fails is in any other usage. Now, don't get me wrong - a good dictionary can probably stop a small bullet in a pinch, or be used for starting a fire.

But when you're looking to define your position in an argument a dictionary is a liability.

You see, dictionaries aren't written by the spectral god of the English language, or put together by a magical team of accuracy pixies in a mystical fairyland of unconvincingly rhythmic hammers and toys.

I have a habit.

 In the greater scheme of things it's not a bad habit. Certainly it's one I can live with. A fat pay-out from your charity of choice would of course be a wonderful help, and several weeks in the luxury of a prestigious detox clinic wouldn't go astray if you're willing to finance it.

But it's a hard habit to break.

 You see, I'm a habitual devil's advocate, a serial trivialiser, an adherent of argument and pettiness for their own sake. I would argue the sky green to spite someone who annoys me. In person I'm quite good at it. Baffling people with bullshit and outlandish statements is merely the first level; the true art lies in creating a towering edifice of fast-spun philosophy, pseudo-religious koans and the very real suggestion of fact which combines to persuade others that there's something to the whole. No one is ever quite sure you're serious about anything, which adds a layer of potential authenticity to even the most abysmal garbage. Your consistency in argument becomes more convincing than your argument itself, which is always a happy situation. It's the foundation of economics and the wellspring of our modern age. 

 

As a foreigner I make absolutely no effort whatsoever to keep my opinions to myself on US politics. And so I'm taking this opportunity once again to stick my nose where it's not wanted and make a few statements about what's happening in the world's most natural disaster-prone country these days. 

You see, I'm convinced that Barack Obama should be the next president. It's not really because I'm a sucker for a pretty speech, although as a card-carrying member of the champagne socialist literati I do love anyone in possession of a way with words. It's not even because he's black, and therefore his token should have its time blah blah blah.

No. It's not about that at all.

As a thoroughly fickle man, for me it boils down entirely to appearance. I think the American people feel the same way. Who was the last genuinely ugly president? Carter, maybe, although he did have the benefit of being more attractive than Nixon. But that was the 70s, when body hair was rampant and people thought polyester clothes made them smell good. The LSD most of the world took in that decade was responsible for worse than ugly presidents, in my view, but we digress.

McCain (coincidentally the name of a ready-to-microwave meal manufacturer) and Clinton just don't compare.

So a few weeks back one of the world's foremost studies on attitudes to war, peace and apathy in Islam was released to the media (but not the public).

I was waiting for Brad to post it up, as demographic surveys of Muslim countries are one of his regular topics.

But he hasn’t yet, so I thought I’d mention it and throw it up to JU.

Looking at the handful of figures that are out right now, I think everyone can probably find something to point to and say, “Wow, I’m ...

I found a great little analogy on a fellow JUer's blog today. The poster was, of course, KFC, she who kicks for Christ, a professed occupation on which you can be quite sure I entirely deny judgement.

Here it is, beloved reader:

Sin is likened to yeast. Basically what yeast does is corrupt the dough. That's what would happen if sin is left unchecked. It would eventually spread and all would be affected.

This little analogy got me thinking. Firstly, I spent a few moments remembering why...

I've just been watching a few dvds before heading out for new years, and as it happened I just saw one of the ridiculous propaganda ads for the various anti-piracy organisations played as part of the dvd.

You know the ones - they say stuff like "You wouldn't steal a car, you wouldn't steal a wallet, you shouldn't buy copyrighted goods" and leave you with the feeling that maybe you should be stealing cars and wallets, because that would at least differentiate you from those anti-fun schmos who...

Howzit.This is just a quick reply to everyone who sent me a christmas message. Hope you all had a great holiday and enjoyed your time off, I know I did.Hopefully you also managed to bury the remains of unlikable relatives without getting caught and/or were able to deal with them without resorting to execution-style murder. Getting back together with family can be an iffy time for everyone but I'm sure we all made it through intact.See you around.

Have there been recent changes to the forums? When I open them up every single article is printed on the same line, so it's just a thick black line with some confused dates at the other end. Makes it a little hard to read...Is this because I'm using Firefox 2 for mac or is has the system been possessed by Beelzebub?

One of my best friends died yesterday and I couldn't even go to her funeral.

She'd been sick for weeks with a combination of TB, pneumonia and a chest infection, all of which she refused to get treated in time because she was afraid of what the doctors would say.

I met her in Jogjakarta, and we got along really well right from the start. She was one of those people who you feel instantly comfortable around. Within days of meeting her I was telling her things I'd never told anyone before. ...

The recent visit of the President of Iran brought all the rightwingers out of the woodwork.

From between the rocks, from behind fetid toadstools, from the nightmare corners of the suburban landscapes, they came.

And they came with one simple message "We come, and we want your babies."

It's hard to know whether they're following the example of Mr Swift, or simply enjoy sauteed infant with their dollar bill milkshakes. More salubrious sources suggest people who traditionally lean towards...

Have you seen the latest from the LIBERAL-leaning LEFTY media, with their LIES and blatant HYPOCRISY?

Apparently a study in BELGIUM has proved that LIBERALS are AWESOME.

Why?It's all quite SIMPLE.

The Calpurnia-Octavia INDEX rates the usage of capitalisation in MODERN society. It uses a google-STYLE sweep over TEH intarwebs to discover which words attract THE most capitalisation.

According to their LATEST results, the word LIBERAL has been typed as capitals on more than four billio...