One of my best friends died yesterday and I couldn't even go to her funeral.

She'd been sick for weeks with a combination of TB, pneumonia and a chest infection, all of which she refused to get treated in time because she was afraid of what the doctors would say.

I met her in Jogjakarta, and we got along really well right from the start. She was one of those people who you feel instantly comfortable around. Within days of meeting her I was telling her things I'd never told anyone before. Not big, juicy secrets - I've never been good at keeping those. Just those little thoughts that come into your head and rattle around for a while before being committed to paper and sent away.

We drank together. We partied nearly every night together. I set her up with my friends, she set me up with hers. I was there for her when her ex gave her a black eye. I did Ramadan with her when she wanted to sober up and get back in touch with her faith. She was there for me when I lost it and wanted to go home to the brown grass, flat hills and blue skies of home.

We were really close, but it was never a physical thing. When she wasn't there I missed her, and one of the hardest things I've ever done was come home knowing I may never see her again.

I found out she was dead while I was at work. A friend of mine called me to tell me, and it took everything I had to keep it together in front of everyone.

I told my coworkers and the bitch who sits near me just came out with, "That's nothing, my teacher was murdered." Fucking non sequitor of the day and a half, but she always has to one-up me doesn't she.

Mole.

I ended up driving off 'for an interview' and just drove around for half an hour. Not to anywhere, just to clear my head.

But yeah, back to my mate. We didn't keep in really close contact after I left. I spoke to her a couple of times over the phone, we emailed, but really it was a personal thing. It was too human a connection to be a daily thing over the ether.

The last time I spoke to her was about six weeks ago, when I told her to see a doctor.

She refused and said she was okay.

She wasn't.

She was cremated and interred yesterday.

Fuck I miss her.